When I Let You Go (Let Me Book 6) Read online

  I rapped on the door lightly, afraid of disturbing her. Right away she called out, “Come on in!”

  Before hanging up yesterday, Jake warned me that Kasia looked different, and please, not to act shocked at the change in her appearance. So I was all smiles when I walked in, concentrating on the eyes I knew better than my own, rather than focusing on her bony frame, the angles jutting out through the fabric of the blanket covering her. I ignored her sickly pallor and the breaths she took that were just noticeably audible.

  “You don’t know how good it is to see you. Get over here.”

  “Look at you,” I said, bending down to kiss her cheek. “Leave it to you to have super chic headscarves.”

  “I’m the envy of cancer patients everywhere.”

  I was about to say, You look great, but I knew her, she’d scoff at that. “I’ve been wanting to come and see you for a few weeks…I was working up the balls to do it.”

  “Well, I’m glad you did.”

  I looked around. “Where’s Jake?”

  “I forced him to take a few hours and go check on his work sites.” Gesturing to herself, she added, “He needs a breather from all of this every once in a while.”

  I shook my head. “When he’s with you he’s where he wants to be.”

  “That’s been the hardest part. I’m not afraid¸ Dylan. I really do accept what’s inevitable. And it’s such a relief to know that my children are in good hands. He’s a great father…The absolute best.”

  “I can believe that.”

  “But the thought of him grieving?” She shook her head. “I hate the idea of his loneliness, his sadness. It breaks my heart.”

  “You feel guilty for leaving him?”

  “Yes!” She nodded, seemingly relieved to be understood.

  “That’s because you’re selfless, Kasia. You’re always looking out for everyone else.”

  “I have to believe he’ll find happiness after I’m gone. That’s the only thought that keeps me from falling apart.”

  I smiled to lighten the mood. “Well, I’m here to give you the male perspective.”

  “Please,” she said, laughing.

  Her face might be gaunt and some might say her beauty had faded, but her eyes still sparkled with life and her smile could still crack me wide open.

  Suddenly emotional, I had to clear my throat. “You’re hard to get over, for one. I can personally attest to that. And there’s no way that a guy like Jake, someone who’s been lucky enough to have a good, solid marriage and a family like the one you guys have…There’s no way he’s even thinking about moving on.” I nudged her knee. “And I know you, you’re a control freak, missy.”

  “Am not.”

  “Oh, yes you are. And let me finish…Don’t suggest anything where moving on is concerned. He doesn’t want you telling him to find happiness, to remarry. I know I personally wouldn’t want to listen to that.”

  “I’ve done all that and more.”

  “He just wants you, you and him, for every day that’s left.”

  “I get that, I do.”

  “You know how much I’ve missed this?” I asked, moving my finger in a circle between the two of us. “How much I’ve missed being in our bullshit-free zone? With anyone else this visit would have been all polite talk, but with you I feel like I can kind of go anywhere.”

  “And in the spirit of no bullshit allowed, I want to know how you are. And please don’t hold back…Tell me everything.”

  “Still married.”

  “Knew that. How is Cecilia?”

  I shrugged. “She’s good, I guess. I don’t think I’m a very good husband.” When I saw her go to protest, I stopped her. “No, I’m not, but she knew who she was marrying.”

  “You’re cheating on her.”

  “Not at the moment, but there have been more women than I can count on both hands over the years. I had the seven-month itch, not the seven-year variety.”

  “Yikes.”

  “I wouldn’t have done that to you.” We both burst out laughing at the same time. “Really,” I said through tears as I kept laughing, “once we were married I wouldn’t have cheated on you!”

  “What makes you so sure of that?”

  “I just know. And lordy, Cecilia practically encouraged it. She got me a goddamn threesome for my birthday one year.”

  “What the hell?”

  “Right? It’s like she was telling me from day one that I could pull anything…And I have.”

  “Do you think you two will last?”

  “No.”

  As soon as I said it, I knew it to be true.

  “So what are you waiting for?”

  “Is it that easy?”

  “You don’t have kids, so it won’t get any easier than it is now. She deserves to find love. And Dylan, you deserve to be happy, truly happy. I don’t get that vibe from you right now.”

  “I’m not.”

  “I think you’ve always been caught up in seeing yourself as a bad boy, and it’s grown and morphed into you actually believing you’re a bad person.” She squeezed my hand with her frail fingers to emphasize her next words. “You are not a bad person. Do not waste time. You have to find that one person.”

  “What?”

  “That person.” She paused to take in a few breaths. I was tiring her out. “The person who makes you want to be a better man.” She looked over my shoulder towards the door. “Well, speak of the devil. I was just telling Dylan what a lifesaver you’ve been.”

  Veronica literally looked scared out of her wits when she caught sight of me sitting in the living room with Kasia. And now I felt a little out of breath.

  “Veronica…How are you?”

  Her cheeks reddened but she didn’t look at me when she answered, “I’m good.”

  It was a little freaky being in the same room with the two of them, especially since Veronica was acting all weird. Guess seeing me was no picnic for her. No sooner did she say hello than she vanished into the kitchen.

  I turned back to Kasia and she flashed me a knowing smile. I cocked an eyebrow and shook my head. Then I mouthed the words, “Really? She’s like fifteen years younger than me.”

  She whispered, “Love knows no age, killer.” I smiled, knowing this girl could still see into my soul.

  “I almost forgot,” I said, grabbing the gift basket I’d left by the door and walking it back over to Kasia. “I’d like to take full credit, but this was all Margot’s doing.”

  “Really?” Kasia looked truly touched.

  “Yes. She sends her best.”

  “How are Vince and Margot?”

  “Don’t ask.”

  “Really? They were always solid.”

  “Solid? I think they have their own version of solid. And it worked for them, but I think Vince has gone too far this time. Margot moved out.”

  “Wow.”

  “Yep. It’s kind of freaking me out and that’s ridiculous…I’m not exactly a child.”

  “It’s still your mom and dad.”

  I looked over in the direction Veronica had gone and lowered my voice. “Your parents told me about her situation. Her father sounds like a real nightmare.”

  She nodded. “I’m glad she’s living here full-time now. She needs something constant in her life. She’s had it rough for a few years. And I feel terrible because for a long time, none of us knew what was really going on.”

  “She’s a good kid.”

  “She’s about to turn twenty-one,” Veronica said as she came in with some crackers and grapes on a tray, shooting me a death glare.

  “And she’s feisty,” Kasia teased.

  Veronica placed the tray down and handed Kasia a pill and a small cup of water. “Jake said to make sure you take this with some food.”

  When she swallowed the pill down, she closed her eyes for a long moment. She was clearly exhausted. “You tired?”

  Veronica was behind Kasia, so Kasia couldn’t see her nodding at me emphatically b
efore walking out of the room again.

  “I’m afraid so. And I like to nap before the kids get home so I’m fresh for them.”

  I nodded, stood up and then leaned down to kiss her forehead. I let my lips linger for a moment, missing her so badly already, knowing this was likely the last time I’d have the privilege of being near her. “Always, baby,” I whispered the words into her skin.

  I sat in the back of Church. Away from her family. Away from the friends we had in common. I could barely stand to be here, forced to face the finality of the day. But I would be here and I would bear this, just as everyone else who loved Kasia would.

  That terrible night when I got the call from Tom, I wanted to claw and scream and rail at the world like an angry beast. But I didn’t make a sound. I think I just nodded as he told me the arrangements. When he asked if I was all right, I muttered only, “Yeah,” before hanging up on him. I laced up my sneakers and ran downtown along the West Side Highway until I reached the Staten Island Ferry terminal. I stayed there, leaning over the railing, watching the ferries and freighters make their way across the ink black water for a long while. Then I turned around and went home. I cried without shedding tears that night. I honored Kasia by replaying every memory of us that I still held. As I ran, images of her smiling at me as we joked around, gazing at me as I loved her, and images of her just being—all those times I’d just find myself staring at her—the best kind of film reel replaying over and over again in my mind’s eye.

  I thought I’d be stoic and steady during the ceremony, just as I had been in the days leading up to it, but then her son Jakub got up and eulogized his mother at the end of the Mass. I got a glimpse of the Kasia I didn’t know—the woman and the mother. He was brave, recounting stories that made everyone laugh, and paying tribute to her goodness, her warmth and her determination in all things. The paper in his hands shook when he looked up and said he knows there is a Heaven now because he can already feel his mother’s strength running through him, he can feel her love, and he knows that she will be looking out for their family every day “until we’re together again.” I didn’t realize I was weeping until I felt the weight of her hand on my shoulder, centering me. I reached up and laid my hand on top of hers, knowing instinctively that it was my mother who sat in the very last pew behind me.

  “Hey, wait up.”

  My cousin Anna was chasing me, running full-speed on a pair of stilettos down Humboldt Street. If she wasn’t in her third trimester, I wouldn’t have stopped, and that’s saying a lot. I’d take a bullet for Anna any day of the week, but today I wasn’t feeling the least bit social.

  I forced a weak smile and hugged Anna—words were too much of an effort. She knew me well and I was grateful she didn’t dive right and ask how I was feeling about all this.

  “I’m starving,” she said as she rubbed her belly and led me into a tavern a few doors down. “C’mon, the pregnant lady’s got to eat.”

  And just like that, I was suddenly grateful to be in the company of family.

  “You wanna get drunk or just take the edge off?” she asked as she perused the wine list.

  “Pint of Guinness and a club soda for her, thanks.”

  The bartender nodded and set two menus down on the bar.

  “I’d kill for a glass of wine or a beer right now.”

  “You probably could have one. Tom’s mother said she drank a small glass of Guinness every day when she was pregnant. The Irish used to swear it made the baby strong.”

  “I’m sure it would be fine but I’d feel a little weird explaining that to my obstetrician, or to this guy behind the bar for that matter.”

  “Where were you sitting in Church? I didn’t see you.”

  “I came in after you. I saw Aunt Margot but…I don’t know, figured I’d give you some space.”

  “And you figured I wanted some company now?”

  “No,” she said, giggling. “I saw you take off out through the side door without even saying goodbye to your mother. But I know you and sometimes you just don’t know what you need.”

  The bartender set our drinks down. I didn’t even wait the few moments it took for the dark stout to settle before guzzling a third of it down in one draw. “That’s good.” I reached over and put my hand on hers. “And I am glad you’re here.”

  Anna ordered enough food for four when the bartender came back over. “I just feel like a little bit of everything,” she said in response to my raised eyebrows.

  “When did you find out Kasia was sick?” I saw no use in beating around the bush.

  “Kate and Luke told me last week, just a few days before she passed away. I was,” she paused, shaking her head, “shocked.”

  My cousin was an architect and worked with my friend Tom’s in-laws at their firm. Even though I knew Anna would never keep me in the dark like the others had, it was a relief to hear her confirm it anyway.

  “You never returned my messages. I even called the house.”

  Anna never called the house, only my cell. Not that it’s so unusual, I never call landlines myself, but Anna avoided any and all interaction with Cecilia. Over the years, Anna had perfected the art of snubbing my wife. It was out of character for Anna, it wasn’t cool, and I’d called her out on it a few times. But lately I’d just resigned myself to the idea that it wasn’t a priority. Cecilia didn’t care for Anna either, even though she’d never say it outright. As long as they were relatively cordial to one another, I no longer cared.

  “Sorry…I just didn’t want to talk to anyone about Kasia.”

  Anna pushed a plate in front of me. “I get it.”

  I pushed it back towards her and gestured to the bartender for a refill. “Truth is, I didn’t even want to come today.”

  “But you’re glad you did, aren’t you?”

  “I had to…Like I owed it to the memory of us.”

  She nodded. “I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know, Dylan, but I really loved her. I’m glad I came.” Anna turned to me and smiled. “And how perfect was that, listening to the Mass in Polish and English? I never got a chance to meet her family but I feel like I understand more about Kasia now, seeing them all and experiencing where she came from.”

  I smiled thinking about the noise, the crush of bodies, everyone happily chatting, yelling over the music, and of chairs crammed around the table whenever we were in their home. The shots of vodka passed all around, the loud laughter, the happiest Christmas I’d ever had so many years ago in their tiny house. I remembered Kasia’s elderly Uncle Viktor, holding my shot for ransom once, refusing to hand it over until I got the pronunciation right: wódka. Then toasting me and clapping me on the back when I succeeded. I saw them all today, with the exception of Viktor, filing into the Church as the organ boomed. They all had one thing in common: it was if you could actually see their crushed hearts just from the look in their eyes. Mr. Mazur stood proud, holding his wife with one arm around her waist and one hand on her elbow—he was holding her up. Kasia’s brothers, so familiar to me, followed after with their wives, or partners as was in Alex’s case. Veronica stood between Alex and his partner, the three of them holding hands. Veronica, stunningly beautiful with not a stich of makeup on, looked straight ahead with an expression that was vacant, almost shell shocked. She seemed to physically need the support of the men flanking her. I studied them all as memories from long ago flooded my senses. But when Jake and their four children walked down the aisle today following Kasia’s casket, that’s when I had to look away. I couldn’t bear to witness their pain. It felt too personal, like I was invading their privacy. Kasia was theirs. She hadn’t been mine in a very long time.

  Anna broke into my thoughts. “That’s the first funeral I’ve been to since Will’s.” She shook her head. “I don’t even remember Will’s funeral…Not one minute of it.” She looked up at me apologetically. “Not one word of your eulogy.”

  “I was so messed up back then. Tell you the truth, I can’t even rem
ember what I said…I’m sure I didn’t do him justice.”

  “Young people shouldn’t die.”

  I touched my forehead to Anna’s. “No kiddo, they shouldn’t.”

  She comes straight to me as I walk in the door from work. There’s a meal cooking, the apartment smells terrific, and she’s wearing a gingham print dress with an apron tied around her waist. She’s smiling at me, the personification of domestic bliss when she announces, “I’m pregnant.”

  I suck in a breath and shoot up to a sitting position. Third night in a row I’ve had the same dream—same nightmare.

  Cecilia is next to me in the bed, sleeping peacefully. She is beautiful. She is a good person, I remind myself. She would do anything I ask of her. She would even stop seeing Richard Von Essen if I told her to.

  Cecilia is cheating on me.

  The sickest part is that she wants me to find out. She practically leaves a trail of breadcrumbs as she makes her way to the Gramercy Park Hotel every Thursday afternoon. Rupert handed me a manila envelope two weeks after that guy Dick crashed our dinner party. It was the first time Rupert’s expression registered any emotion. He was clearly confused to see me laughing as I leafed through the pictures.

  I think Cecilia had it in her mind that if I found out she was fucking someone else it would unleash my inner caveman or something. Like I’d pound on my chest, beat the shit out of that pathetic loser and claim my woman.

  That’s how miserable she was.

  Cecilia had lowered herself to sneak around town with someone who would be considered laughable by anyone from within our set, pitiful even. A guy who passed himself off as some hedge fund biggie, but in reality was running day trades at a crappy shop that was one SEC tip away from folding. Another tidbit from Rupert’s oh so thorough background check? Dick was behind on the rent for a shitty one bedroom apartment in Morningside Heights. Funny, I remember him bragging about closing on a bro-tastic bachelor pad in Tribeca as he swilled drinks that night. He was one step above a con man, a grifter. Dick had made a life out of hanging on, ingratiating himself with people who could, in fact, pay the tab. He plastered himself to people like Tripp, people who had money and influence, and then he’d hang on for the ride. But unlike other guys who could turn those connections into something real and lasting, Dick just didn’t have what it takes. Schmoozing will only get you so far. You actually have to have a skill set to make it in this city. At thirty-five he was up to his ears in debt, an abject failure.